The Past Months – Trust in Allah
Over the past months, or perhaps longer, I’ve often been told to trust in Allah. After my last appointment with my cardiologist—besides hearing again about abnormal ECGs and other concerning results—I heard my doctor say: The thickening of the heart wall is reaching a level where there’s a realistic chance of sudden death (heart failure).
This is the number one symptom of HOCM, a condition that for many is discovered too late. Our next appointment, to discuss a second opinion at a specialized hospital for surgery or treatment, would take place later.
I took the bus home, walking through this strange, fake security of life—a little bubble cheering on diseases as “challenges that shape you.” I couldn’t cope with it. It felt worse than the hollow encouragements from all the healer-preachers I encountered during my evangelical days.
Faith—newborn faith—once joyful, spiritual, mystic, and deep, had turned into an image in my mind that I desperately wanted gone.
Why on earth would God allow a disease in His perfectly created body? Was it to see if I could survive a challenge? Me—the trooper who drank gasoline and pissed on a campfire? A challenge?
Truth is, I was done. Done with life’s challenges.
A year earlier, after attempting to consume a stash of beta blockers, statins, an ounce of drugs, and a bottle of Highland Park, I ended up in the ICU for five days. I spent the next three months eating with plastic spoons because of the damage I’d done to myself.
WHAT TO DO? HEEEEEEELP!
And to those who blame doubt on a lack of faith—bugger off.
In the back of my mind, the stoic teachings of Seneca the Younger echoed: For situations in which you feel stuck, do the opposite.
So, oddly enough, while faith was slipping through my fingers like water, I did the opposite.
I enrolled in an online Islamic academy. I got an XXL prayer mat—standing and bowing with HOCM often leads to fainting or severe dizziness, so I needed a soft landing. I did wudu better and more seriously than ever before. I prayed, read the Quran, and didn’t stress over achieving Arabic recitation. That was too much for now.
Keeping in mind how brief and unpredictable life is—a ride on the Orient Express—I booked a backpacking journey to seven cities, ending with a week in Istanbul. For once, I didn’t complain. As a Dutch professional complainer, that’s saying something. I didn’t whine about the chest pains.
Istanbul inspired me—the Blue Mosque, the people at the info center, other mosques, the bazaar trips for oud, oils, and bakhoor. I embraced Islam more deeply during those months than ever before.
And then, there was news.
I was considered a good candidate to try a new medication, Mavacamten. They said it could relieve symptoms and improve my quality of life. I keep praying it will work for me—that it might give me a feeling of hope and a glimpse of a future.
So, dear readers... see you in 2025!
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Reflections on Life with HOCM
You know, there’s nothing more wasteful than fearing death. We all assume illness is something that happens to others until life inevitably involves us. My illness isn’t about fearing death—it’s about the daily challenges:
- Eating causes pain because the little blood in my heart gets diverted to my stomach.
- Moving after eating? Impossible.
- No lifting, no walking up stairs, no more markets, no more colleagues.
But I see life differently now.
I dare to skip things—even things I’ve paid for. Like a ticket to Ghana—I realized I couldn’t take malaria pills, and I can’t risk getting the disease either.
I’m nicer to people. Finances seem less important.
The other day, the man who bought my apiary called, stressed about sales. I’m done lending myself to such worries.
Key point: See through things. Ask yourself—are you doing it for yourself, or to prove something to others? That’s tricky because our own minds fool us—hidden pride, trauma, grief, wrong choices.
We all think the “boat of success” will save us, but it often makes things worse.
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Near-Death Advice for the Younger Generation ( it just floops out lately )
Be authentic. Be yourself and fearless, and people will fear you. They can’t stand seeing someone live their dream.
Don’t get too attached to things or people. Things break. Money vanishes as quickly as it comes. Loved ones die. Cherish, but keep emotional distance. Loving too much has rarely ended well in history.
And don’t get fooled by sensitive talk. Most of what you’ve achieved, you’ve done on your own, and that won’t change. You manage yourself better and more efficiently when alone.
Marriage is a sacrifice—even Mufti Menk says that.
Learn to say to yourself: Think twice. Repeat it until your brain catches it in time.