Going home
A Journey from Struggle to Spiritual Revival
Call me Ibrahim. On April 12th, 2023, I was finally diagnosed with the condition I had been seeking answers for over seven long years: hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy (HOCM). After years of severe chest pains, sleepless nights, and feeling unheard by doctors and specialists, there was finally some clarity. But that diagnosis didn’t mark the end of my struggles; it was the beginning of a new understanding of the toll those years had taken on both my body and mind.
For twelve years, I lived through a relentless storm of trauma and bad habits. I worked six to seven days a week in two jobs, constantly running, trying to keep my head above water. It felt like there was never time or space to catch my breath. Slowly but surely, I became exhausted—mentally and physically drained. I couldn’t cope with myself, my surroundings, or even my relationships with friends and loved ones. It felt like I was losing control of my life.
In a desperate attempt to escape those overwhelming feelings, I spiraled into a two-week-long binge of drugs and alcohol. It was a desperate attempt to numb the pain and forget everything. But eventually, I found myself under a cold shower, on the floor, both literally and metaphorically at rock bottom. Despite all I had accomplished in life—traveling the world from China to West Africa, running successful businesses, holding great jobs—there was always something deep inside me, something I could never ignore, but never fully understand.
At that moment, 49 years old and aware I wouldn’t make it to 50 with the loads of cardial medicine combined with my lifestyle, something unexpected happened. I tried to think of a serene, happy moment in my life. My mind went back to 2018, when I had experienced a profound spiritual moment during a visit to the Blue Mosque in Istanbul. There, in that mosque, I had felt a sense of peace and connection that I had never experienced before. And for the first time in a long time, I started to pray. I turned to Allah, hoping to find something to hold onto.
As I prayed, I realized that much of my pain wasn’t in my present reality but in my mind. I saw that the chaos and misery were mostly in my thoughts, not in the world around me. It was as if a door in my mind opened, and I understood that I had a reason to keep going. Allah gave me that moment of clarity—a reason to live and the right to fight on. The seed that had been planted in 2018 had now sprouted.
From that moment on, I began to see my life differently. Though the physical struggle with HOCM remains, I now have a spiritual anchor that keeps me grounded. That moment of prayer in the shower, fueled by the memory of my experience in the Blue Mosque, gave me the strength to continue, both physically and spiritually.
As described in the first pilar, in Islam is it of great importance that u have blind faith. You cant be a believer without faith in any religion. The fact that it was the first and foremost important component of being a believer in Islam pulled me over the finish line. No more thinking, puzzling and doubting. My wish was to be rooted in faith, and simply enough it was about accepting is as the truth. That i do not know how or what, i decided God or Allah doesn't exists to be studied, understood or being questioned. He is, as i am. End of inner discussion.
For me than.
Also understood as : belief that union with or absorption into the Deity or the absolute, or the spiritual apprehension of knowledge inaccessible to the intellect, may be attained through contemplation and self-surrender.
The islamic faith, for me is full of it. The more you read, the more you wanna know, the more questions you have, the less answers u want. By this i said to myself, not everything u know has to be absolute explainable, there must be room in your thinking for the unexplainable
What really staid with me is that my amazing sister in Istanbul who did the Shahada with me, did send me a whatsapp afterwards with info ending with :
Remember, you always have a sister in Istanbul now.
Off course it sounds a bit exaggerated yet things changed. Muslim colleagues became almost friends, there is always someone to find with or for advice. What surprised me the most was how helpfull everybody is. The athmosphere of a strong communit sense, was exact what i needed after two years of hospitals in and out cause of a severe heart issue. I felt welcommed, not forced welcommed, but welcommed. Like i returnd after 20 years of absence
Who are you then? My name is Bas, and I am a50-year-old man from the Netherlands. I have a background as a male nurse and social worker, which eventually led me to save enough money to establish my own apiary. Through this apiary, I operated a market stall where I sold honey and various honey-based products. We also developed natural remedies derived from our hive products, and I became known as an "apitherapist." In April2023, after enduring seven years of chest pains, I was diagnosed with hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy (HOCM). This diagnosis forced me to reevaluate my life choices. Although my passion for being a market merchant was significant, that path was no longer feasible. Presently, I run a small workshop where I create glass beads, rings, and bracelets using the lampworking technique. Alongside this, I actively engage in the trade of ethnic jewelry. In October2024, I embraced Islam. This website serves as my journal, chronicling my journey and experiences in striving to become a good Muslim, inshallah. My biggest passion next to my faith is philosophy ( stoicism )